guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
