I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
