3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sponge bath it is.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
