Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
