I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
