i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
