she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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