i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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