Well apparently he's into motor boating.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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