So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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