New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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