Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
