My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
