Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
