Don't make out with my wife yet
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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