i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
