I think my fart just growled at me.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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