once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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