why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
