yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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