Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
