so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
