...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He passed out mid-signature
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
