i already hear my dad disowning me
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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