hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
