i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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