Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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