I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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