the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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