Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
