Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
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You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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