There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
