If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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