I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
