All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
