I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I have aggressive nipples.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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