make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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