He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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