I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
