i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So squirting runs in the family.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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