My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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