umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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