i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
