If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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