dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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