when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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