M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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