Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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