dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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