Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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