**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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