you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
