Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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