he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
