theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
