Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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