You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
